In Him I will have strength.

Lately, I have felt very weak, and overwhelmed. Lots of sleepless nights. Tons of emotions and feelings controlling my mind, and then letting them control the way I view life. I feel alone. Sad. Lost on where to go, and where is home. 

I have been reading Psalms, and It is such an encouragement. David is calling out to Him, for understanding or giving praise to the Most High. I think to myself, In all the he went through: the sins, the power, the weakest times of his life and he still gave HIM glory. Then I ask myself, Why is it that I am not doing the same? 

As I was driving the other day to work and the song Times came on and it's one of my favorites. It talks about how His love is over and underneath. In absolutely every circumstance you have in life His love never fails. As I pulled in I just broke. I just starting crying and crying out to Him for strength. Then I had realized that I had not read my psalms for the day so I just pulled it up on my phone and read it there:

Psalm 61:2-4

From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint;

Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

³ For You have been a refuge for me,⁴ 

A tower of strength against the enemy.

Let me dwell in Your tent forever;

Let me take refuge in the shelter of Your wings.

It was like He was reaching down and holding me right there, and saying you need to trust me and let me take control.  I love you Ellie and I will never let you go. 

Can I tell you how freeing it is to just let it go? I felt His love and strength surround me like none other.

Life is hard, and It sucks sometimes. But how great is it that we have a Father who will hold our hand every step of the way!

Three long months later...

As you go about your daily lives you begin to ignore the little things. Not appreciate the little things that you never new you would miss. We are so busy and we have to get our stuff done, and we just don't have enough time. We ignore the growth chart hand written on our kitchen entryway. Or we look past our family crest on the wall. The little things.
Every day I wake up and think I wish I could just hug my family, or even just see them smile. Every night , I go back to the memories of my dad coming in and spending some time with me and tucking me in. Through out the day little things here and there remind me of my family whether its a UNC sticker, Warm Vanilla Sugar lotion, Dry fit polos, or Tennessee Vols. bumper stickers. It is a constant reminder that they are not here.
My grandfather and I went to my old house today. As I walked in that house. My heart began to sink. It felt so heavy. Each room had countless memories. I started having flashbacks. Lots of hilarious music videos to Family Force Five. Lots of laughter, lots of tears, and lots of love. And now its empty. And thats when I lost it.
Before we moved to Southeast Asia I was so mad, so angry I wanted to stay here in Chattanooga because this was home and I just didn't care why we were moving I was just angry.
We moved to Southeast Asia and slowly that became my home. I loved it there. I loved the people, and it was were my family was.
I then moved back to Chattanooga, and I felt so empty. Yes, the rest of my family was here and I am so grateful for them but my brothers and parents were all the way on the other side of the world and I won't see them for a very long time.
I thought It would get easier as time went on but time is going so slow.
Near every Valentines My dad and I used to go out for dinner. Obviously didn't happen this year.
My youngest brothers birthday passed and I just felt like an awful sister because I couldn't be there to love on him and tell him how much he means to me.
And just day after day I miss them more and more. My mind begins to wonder and think, Is that the last time I would ever get to see them? Will anything happen from now until it is time for them to come back to a little bit?
The last three months have been restless, stressful and feelings of complete sadness.
But what I did't mention earlier is these last three months have been some of the most life changing lessons I have had to go through.
Going through that house was so so hard. But leaving, I felt Joy. I knew in my heart that my home is not a place.
Valentines was so so hard, but I had joy. Because I knew my daddy loved me and wishes we could of done that.
And when I lose sleep or begin to stress. I strive to find joy.
I am reminded of the passage in Matthew that says:
Come to me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.
And boy oh boy has my FATHER given me rest on those hard nights.
HIS love and arms wrapped around me. Talking to HIM and just crying out to HIM. Nothing held back and HE cares. HE genuinely cares. and HE is there for me. HE always has been.
Then, I look around and I see all these people who care. Who want to be there for me. They love me. And even tho they will never ever take the place of my family, they still make me feel very loved. I have a wonderful family who just spends time and laughs a lot. Laughter is the best medicine.
I have the pleasure of working with these precious children. They are the most amazing things ever.
I walk in and get hugs and kisses galore. Those kids make me feel so loved and so happy. They have wonderful parents who just encourage and are there for me if I am having a bad day. It's awesome.
Those are the kind of things that help me get through.

These three months have been some of the absolute hardest months of my life. I miss my family. A LOT. But man, Its really cool to see and experience the love from HIM and HIS people!
I am so blessed.

A new look on life.

When you go overseas for any amount of time it changes you.
But when you live actually have to adapt that life it does more change than you ever thought could happen.

Only being back in America for a little over 2 weeks has made me realize a lot about my life.
HE has shown me the way I was before I left and the dramatic change coming back.

I have gotten a whole new perspective of the world.
I have seen poverty, sickness, abuse, and the lost.
It changes you. You began to realize that things are not as important. That the ones you love need to hold close and don't let them go. It also makes you realize there is a lost world. A majorly lost world.

When I came back I realized how much I took for granted my life. My family. My amazing gift that I have not made too much of an effort to share. It made me sad.

I got a new look on the people of this world. Priorities, and made me realize I had had the wrong priorities all along.

I was called to be a light. And moving overseas, gave me a huge desire to be that light. He has given me a love and heart for people that I can't even describe.
I am so glad HE gave me the opportunity to experience all that I have in the last 6 months.
I can't explain how much work HE has done in me. It is awesome. I feel so much better about life.
I just can't wait to see what HE has in store next!

A new life.

17 days ago my life changed forever.
I moved by myself back to America without my family.
My life since has been so busy and I am now having a chance to breath.

So what's it like being halfway around the world from your family? It sucks.

January 12th was the hardest day of my life. I said goodbye. Now most people my age go off to college and say goodbye but come home on the holidays reconnect, reunite. But for me saying goodbye was a whole different story. I said goodbye for potentially 2 1/2 years to my family who lives overseas.
As we pulled in the Airport in Singapore It felt so real. I felt scared. I didn't know what life would be like without my parents or brothers. They were my life.
As I got checked in and stuff we all walked to the gate. The tears are pouring. It was time to say goodbye.
As I hugged each member of my family the pain grew stronger and stronger. My heart felt like it was being ripped out. My youngest brother wouldn't let go. My other brother was holding my hand. I felt like I was loosing them. As we said our last goodbyes, and I walked away, that feeling was the worst feeling in my life. On top of that I had a whole 24 hours in flight to dwell on that.
As I got off that plane saw the rest of my family, It reminded me they were not there.

Now 17 days later, I still miss my family so terribly much. That has not changed one bit. I cry a lot. I think about them all the time. I look at pictures remembering the good times. But I have learned that I have people here for me. They are here to support. They have loved me with open arms, and having someone beside you even though you are in these trials you can have joy because HE has provided and earthly love here.
I thank HIM everyday for providing me with people here. With best friends who just listen, and then make me laugh.
I am so blessed. HE has provided me with a job that is just amazing. Working everyday with 5 little boys. They give me so much joy and always make me laugh. I am so Thankful HE provided me with this job, that family has been a huge blessing and just taken me in as their own. I appreciate it so much more than I can say.

I can honestly say HE has provided me with the best family.
I miss them. I think about them all the time. But to see afar the work HE has done and is doing is AWESOME!! and Hey...That's my family!! :) (Lets just say I am one proud daughter and sister!)
I also have the best family here in America as well. They have just hugged and loved on me so much, and I can't thank them enough. I have had sweet times and conversations and relationships grown, I can't wait to see them grow more.

Days like these where I have time to think about things are hard.But I know HE is in control of all the trials and hard times. HE loves me and is holding me in HIS arms.
Therefore I can have joy.

Take my life and let it be all for You and for Your glory.
Take my life and let it be Yours.

Bittersweet.

It's hard to believe my time here is up.  As I am sitting here, in my room, my home, reality hits: This is my last night here. My last night with my family in a country I have learned to call home. My last time to soak up this wonderful culture. If you had told me in July, while I was still in America, that I would love it so much here I didn't want to leave, I would of laughed and told you  "Yeah right!" I remember people saying countless times that when it was time to leave, I wouldn't want to. They are so right. 

There are so many memories that are just running through my mind. With family and friends.

 I have made so many great friends here! A huge group of ladies that just know how to have fun, and Thank you so much for inviting me in, even though I was at least 4 years younger! I had so much fun, and y'all taught me a lot! I am especially thankful for one of the friends I made. My experience would of definitely not of been the same without her! She is like my older sister, and great friend! We did a whole lot together and had some crazy adventures along the way. Thank you! :) Also, all the other people I hung out with, or interacted with, Each one of y'all touched my heart!  I am going to miss all of you so much! Thank you for all the love and encouragement! :) 

Dad, Mom, Tucker and Major. Wow. What a journey! First off, let me apologize. I am so sorry for all the complaining I ever did before coming here and after we arrived! This place is beautiful. It's home. Not because we have a house, but because my family lives here. Dad, It took me long to realize it but you were right. I was being selfish and not looking at what was important. I am sorry for that! I am so blessed! Dad, Mom Thank you for everything. I love you very much! I am going to miss you SOOO much! Tucker and Major. Where do I begin? Y'all are my life! I love you SOOO much! I am going to miss your handsome faces and jokes so much! I am so blessed to have such wonderful brothers! I can not even begin to describe how sad I am to leave all of you! This is so much harder than I thought it would be. I love you. 

So many things going through my mind right now. I can't wait to see the rest of my family! Meet my new little cousins, see my best friends. Begin my path for HIS plan ,for my future! I can't wait to see what HE has planned for me. HE has shown me SO many things during my time here! Things about myself I had been avoiding, or things about HIS people. I have seen HIS creation in a new light, and I must say it's pretty amazing! I have learned that the only way I will get through my trials is : Listen and Trust! Two very big struggles I have. But through HIS strength and grace I am learning. 

And now, I truly mean this as Starfield sings :

To the desperate eyes and reaching hands
To the suffering and the lean
To the ones the world has cast aside
Where you want me I will be

I will go, I will go
I will go, send me
To the world, To the lost
To the poor and hungry
Take everything I am
I'm clay within your hands
I will go, I will go, send me

Let me not be blind with privilege
Give me eyes to see the pain
Let the blessing You've poured out on me
Not be spent on me in vain
Let this life be used for change

I wanna live for you
Go where you lead me
I wanna follow you

Send me!

This was by far the absolute best 5 1/2 months of my life!!!! Thank you everyone who made it wonderful.

And Thank you Dad, Mom, Tucker and Major. For everything. I love you! I will miss you more than you know!

Isaiah 6:8

"Then I heard a voice saying: "Whom shall I send? Who will go for me?" Then I replied: "Here am I. Send ME!"