As you go about your daily lives you begin to ignore the little things. Not appreciate the little things that you never new you would miss. We are so busy and we have to get our stuff done, and we just don't have enough time. We ignore the growth chart hand written on our kitchen entryway. Or we look past our family crest on the wall. The little things.
Every day I wake up and think I wish I could just hug my family, or even just see them smile. Every night , I go back to the memories of my dad coming in and spending some time with me and tucking me in. Through out the day little things here and there remind me of my family whether its a UNC sticker, Warm Vanilla Sugar lotion, Dry fit polos, or Tennessee Vols. bumper stickers. It is a constant reminder that they are not here.
My grandfather and I went to my old house today. As I walked in that house. My heart began to sink. It felt so heavy. Each room had countless memories. I started having flashbacks. Lots of hilarious music videos to Family Force Five. Lots of laughter, lots of tears, and lots of love. And now its empty. And thats when I lost it.
Before we moved to Southeast Asia I was so mad, so angry I wanted to stay here in Chattanooga because this was home and I just didn't care why we were moving I was just angry.
We moved to Southeast Asia and slowly that became my home. I loved it there. I loved the people, and it was were my family was.
I then moved back to Chattanooga, and I felt so empty. Yes, the rest of my family was here and I am so grateful for them but my brothers and parents were all the way on the other side of the world and I won't see them for a very long time.
I thought It would get easier as time went on but time is going so slow.
Near every Valentines My dad and I used to go out for dinner. Obviously didn't happen this year.
My youngest brothers birthday passed and I just felt like an awful sister because I couldn't be there to love on him and tell him how much he means to me.
And just day after day I miss them more and more. My mind begins to wonder and think, Is that the last time I would ever get to see them? Will anything happen from now until it is time for them to come back to a little bit?
The last three months have been restless, stressful and feelings of complete sadness.
But what I did't mention earlier is these last three months have been some of the most life changing lessons I have had to go through.
Going through that house was so so hard. But leaving, I felt Joy. I knew in my heart that my home is not a place.
Valentines was so so hard, but I had joy. Because I knew my daddy loved me and wishes we could of done that.
And when I lose sleep or begin to stress. I strive to find joy.
I am reminded of the passage in Matthew that says:
Come to me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.
And boy oh boy has my FATHER given me rest on those hard nights.
HIS love and arms wrapped around me. Talking to HIM and just crying out to HIM. Nothing held back and HE cares. HE genuinely cares. and HE is there for me. HE always has been.
Then, I look around and I see all these people who care. Who want to be there for me. They love me. And even tho they will never ever take the place of my family, they still make me feel very loved. I have a wonderful family who just spends time and laughs a lot. Laughter is the best medicine.
I have the pleasure of working with these precious children. They are the most amazing things ever.
I walk in and get hugs and kisses galore. Those kids make me feel so loved and so happy. They have wonderful parents who just encourage and are there for me if I am having a bad day. It's awesome.
Those are the kind of things that help me get through.
These three months have been some of the absolute hardest months of my life. I miss my family. A LOT. But man, Its really cool to see and experience the love from HIM and HIS people!
I am so blessed.
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