In Him I will have strength.

Lately, I have felt very weak, and overwhelmed. Lots of sleepless nights. Tons of emotions and feelings controlling my mind, and then letting them control the way I view life. I feel alone. Sad. Lost on where to go, and where is home. 

I have been reading Psalms, and It is such an encouragement. David is calling out to Him, for understanding or giving praise to the Most High. I think to myself, In all the he went through: the sins, the power, the weakest times of his life and he still gave HIM glory. Then I ask myself, Why is it that I am not doing the same? 

As I was driving the other day to work and the song Times came on and it's one of my favorites. It talks about how His love is over and underneath. In absolutely every circumstance you have in life His love never fails. As I pulled in I just broke. I just starting crying and crying out to Him for strength. Then I had realized that I had not read my psalms for the day so I just pulled it up on my phone and read it there:

Psalm 61:2-4

From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint;

Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

³ For You have been a refuge for me,⁴ 

A tower of strength against the enemy.

Let me dwell in Your tent forever;

Let me take refuge in the shelter of Your wings.

It was like He was reaching down and holding me right there, and saying you need to trust me and let me take control.  I love you Ellie and I will never let you go. 

Can I tell you how freeing it is to just let it go? I felt His love and strength surround me like none other.

Life is hard, and It sucks sometimes. But how great is it that we have a Father who will hold our hand every step of the way!

Three long months later...

As you go about your daily lives you begin to ignore the little things. Not appreciate the little things that you never new you would miss. We are so busy and we have to get our stuff done, and we just don't have enough time. We ignore the growth chart hand written on our kitchen entryway. Or we look past our family crest on the wall. The little things.
Every day I wake up and think I wish I could just hug my family, or even just see them smile. Every night , I go back to the memories of my dad coming in and spending some time with me and tucking me in. Through out the day little things here and there remind me of my family whether its a UNC sticker, Warm Vanilla Sugar lotion, Dry fit polos, or Tennessee Vols. bumper stickers. It is a constant reminder that they are not here.
My grandfather and I went to my old house today. As I walked in that house. My heart began to sink. It felt so heavy. Each room had countless memories. I started having flashbacks. Lots of hilarious music videos to Family Force Five. Lots of laughter, lots of tears, and lots of love. And now its empty. And thats when I lost it.
Before we moved to Southeast Asia I was so mad, so angry I wanted to stay here in Chattanooga because this was home and I just didn't care why we were moving I was just angry.
We moved to Southeast Asia and slowly that became my home. I loved it there. I loved the people, and it was were my family was.
I then moved back to Chattanooga, and I felt so empty. Yes, the rest of my family was here and I am so grateful for them but my brothers and parents were all the way on the other side of the world and I won't see them for a very long time.
I thought It would get easier as time went on but time is going so slow.
Near every Valentines My dad and I used to go out for dinner. Obviously didn't happen this year.
My youngest brothers birthday passed and I just felt like an awful sister because I couldn't be there to love on him and tell him how much he means to me.
And just day after day I miss them more and more. My mind begins to wonder and think, Is that the last time I would ever get to see them? Will anything happen from now until it is time for them to come back to a little bit?
The last three months have been restless, stressful and feelings of complete sadness.
But what I did't mention earlier is these last three months have been some of the most life changing lessons I have had to go through.
Going through that house was so so hard. But leaving, I felt Joy. I knew in my heart that my home is not a place.
Valentines was so so hard, but I had joy. Because I knew my daddy loved me and wishes we could of done that.
And when I lose sleep or begin to stress. I strive to find joy.
I am reminded of the passage in Matthew that says:
Come to me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.
And boy oh boy has my FATHER given me rest on those hard nights.
HIS love and arms wrapped around me. Talking to HIM and just crying out to HIM. Nothing held back and HE cares. HE genuinely cares. and HE is there for me. HE always has been.
Then, I look around and I see all these people who care. Who want to be there for me. They love me. And even tho they will never ever take the place of my family, they still make me feel very loved. I have a wonderful family who just spends time and laughs a lot. Laughter is the best medicine.
I have the pleasure of working with these precious children. They are the most amazing things ever.
I walk in and get hugs and kisses galore. Those kids make me feel so loved and so happy. They have wonderful parents who just encourage and are there for me if I am having a bad day. It's awesome.
Those are the kind of things that help me get through.

These three months have been some of the absolute hardest months of my life. I miss my family. A LOT. But man, Its really cool to see and experience the love from HIM and HIS people!
I am so blessed.

A new look on life.

When you go overseas for any amount of time it changes you.
But when you live actually have to adapt that life it does more change than you ever thought could happen.

Only being back in America for a little over 2 weeks has made me realize a lot about my life.
HE has shown me the way I was before I left and the dramatic change coming back.

I have gotten a whole new perspective of the world.
I have seen poverty, sickness, abuse, and the lost.
It changes you. You began to realize that things are not as important. That the ones you love need to hold close and don't let them go. It also makes you realize there is a lost world. A majorly lost world.

When I came back I realized how much I took for granted my life. My family. My amazing gift that I have not made too much of an effort to share. It made me sad.

I got a new look on the people of this world. Priorities, and made me realize I had had the wrong priorities all along.

I was called to be a light. And moving overseas, gave me a huge desire to be that light. He has given me a love and heart for people that I can't even describe.
I am so glad HE gave me the opportunity to experience all that I have in the last 6 months.
I can't explain how much work HE has done in me. It is awesome. I feel so much better about life.
I just can't wait to see what HE has in store next!

A new life.

17 days ago my life changed forever.
I moved by myself back to America without my family.
My life since has been so busy and I am now having a chance to breath.

So what's it like being halfway around the world from your family? It sucks.

January 12th was the hardest day of my life. I said goodbye. Now most people my age go off to college and say goodbye but come home on the holidays reconnect, reunite. But for me saying goodbye was a whole different story. I said goodbye for potentially 2 1/2 years to my family who lives overseas.
As we pulled in the Airport in Singapore It felt so real. I felt scared. I didn't know what life would be like without my parents or brothers. They were my life.
As I got checked in and stuff we all walked to the gate. The tears are pouring. It was time to say goodbye.
As I hugged each member of my family the pain grew stronger and stronger. My heart felt like it was being ripped out. My youngest brother wouldn't let go. My other brother was holding my hand. I felt like I was loosing them. As we said our last goodbyes, and I walked away, that feeling was the worst feeling in my life. On top of that I had a whole 24 hours in flight to dwell on that.
As I got off that plane saw the rest of my family, It reminded me they were not there.

Now 17 days later, I still miss my family so terribly much. That has not changed one bit. I cry a lot. I think about them all the time. I look at pictures remembering the good times. But I have learned that I have people here for me. They are here to support. They have loved me with open arms, and having someone beside you even though you are in these trials you can have joy because HE has provided and earthly love here.
I thank HIM everyday for providing me with people here. With best friends who just listen, and then make me laugh.
I am so blessed. HE has provided me with a job that is just amazing. Working everyday with 5 little boys. They give me so much joy and always make me laugh. I am so Thankful HE provided me with this job, that family has been a huge blessing and just taken me in as their own. I appreciate it so much more than I can say.

I can honestly say HE has provided me with the best family.
I miss them. I think about them all the time. But to see afar the work HE has done and is doing is AWESOME!! and Hey...That's my family!! :) (Lets just say I am one proud daughter and sister!)
I also have the best family here in America as well. They have just hugged and loved on me so much, and I can't thank them enough. I have had sweet times and conversations and relationships grown, I can't wait to see them grow more.

Days like these where I have time to think about things are hard.But I know HE is in control of all the trials and hard times. HE loves me and is holding me in HIS arms.
Therefore I can have joy.

Take my life and let it be all for You and for Your glory.
Take my life and let it be Yours.

Bittersweet.

It's hard to believe my time here is up.  As I am sitting here, in my room, my home, reality hits: This is my last night here. My last night with my family in a country I have learned to call home. My last time to soak up this wonderful culture. If you had told me in July, while I was still in America, that I would love it so much here I didn't want to leave, I would of laughed and told you  "Yeah right!" I remember people saying countless times that when it was time to leave, I wouldn't want to. They are so right. 

There are so many memories that are just running through my mind. With family and friends.

 I have made so many great friends here! A huge group of ladies that just know how to have fun, and Thank you so much for inviting me in, even though I was at least 4 years younger! I had so much fun, and y'all taught me a lot! I am especially thankful for one of the friends I made. My experience would of definitely not of been the same without her! She is like my older sister, and great friend! We did a whole lot together and had some crazy adventures along the way. Thank you! :) Also, all the other people I hung out with, or interacted with, Each one of y'all touched my heart!  I am going to miss all of you so much! Thank you for all the love and encouragement! :) 

Dad, Mom, Tucker and Major. Wow. What a journey! First off, let me apologize. I am so sorry for all the complaining I ever did before coming here and after we arrived! This place is beautiful. It's home. Not because we have a house, but because my family lives here. Dad, It took me long to realize it but you were right. I was being selfish and not looking at what was important. I am sorry for that! I am so blessed! Dad, Mom Thank you for everything. I love you very much! I am going to miss you SOOO much! Tucker and Major. Where do I begin? Y'all are my life! I love you SOOO much! I am going to miss your handsome faces and jokes so much! I am so blessed to have such wonderful brothers! I can not even begin to describe how sad I am to leave all of you! This is so much harder than I thought it would be. I love you. 

So many things going through my mind right now. I can't wait to see the rest of my family! Meet my new little cousins, see my best friends. Begin my path for HIS plan ,for my future! I can't wait to see what HE has planned for me. HE has shown me SO many things during my time here! Things about myself I had been avoiding, or things about HIS people. I have seen HIS creation in a new light, and I must say it's pretty amazing! I have learned that the only way I will get through my trials is : Listen and Trust! Two very big struggles I have. But through HIS strength and grace I am learning. 

And now, I truly mean this as Starfield sings :

To the desperate eyes and reaching hands
To the suffering and the lean
To the ones the world has cast aside
Where you want me I will be

I will go, I will go
I will go, send me
To the world, To the lost
To the poor and hungry
Take everything I am
I'm clay within your hands
I will go, I will go, send me

Let me not be blind with privilege
Give me eyes to see the pain
Let the blessing You've poured out on me
Not be spent on me in vain
Let this life be used for change

I wanna live for you
Go where you lead me
I wanna follow you

Send me!

This was by far the absolute best 5 1/2 months of my life!!!! Thank you everyone who made it wonderful.

And Thank you Dad, Mom, Tucker and Major. For everything. I love you! I will miss you more than you know!

Isaiah 6:8

"Then I heard a voice saying: "Whom shall I send? Who will go for me?" Then I replied: "Here am I. Send ME!"

Thanksgiving:Asian Style.

Let me first off and state the fact that Thanksgiving is an American Holiday. So therefore the people here in   Asia don't celebrate it. Crazy Huh? Well you kinda forget those few facts until it comes close to the actual event.

Secondly, This is the time it hits you hard that you are away from family. And for me, that this is the last Thanksgiving I will spend with my parents, and brothers. 

Since we are in a city that have Americans, they of course celebrate and try to go all out (with the limited supplies we have). I am very thankful for that. It made it a lot easier. 

The reality that we are missing all the traditions hit Tuesday. See Its a tradition that my grandmothers side of the family meet each other halfway at the good ole Cracker Barrel. They were there and we were logging on to Skype and this overwhelming sadness hit. It was so good to see everybody and see them all at once, we even got to see my two new little cousin's! But... All I kept thinking is we are not there. As we logged off, we were rushing to get out the door and go to school. It all happened so fast. It was over in 5 minutes. All I could do was cry. It was beginning to be hard. 

On Wednesday, the five of us, had our own little meal. It was a nice meal. My mom made roast, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, and macaroni and cheese. She also made some yummy desert, brownies and chess squares. One of our traditions is to go around and each person say at least two things that they are thankful for. When it came to me, I realized that I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a wonderful family that is willing to give up everything to serve HIM. And part of everything is the holidays, and family get together. I am thankful I can call them my parents and brothers. 

Well Thursday was just like any other day, worked at the school, and got to hang out with friends it was nice. 

On Friday afternoon we had a big lunch with a few new friends. It was such a blessing to be able to celebrate with other people. The food was yummy, and the fellowship was nice. I am so thankful we got to do that. 

Well since we are in Asia there are no Black Fridays. So we decided to go to the "city" and go shopping all day Saturday! We got a lot of Christmas presents for each other. Ate McDonald's :). It was a fun day. 

Now another tradition my family has is we have a weekend celebration with my papaw's side of the family. We rotate every other year to three different cities in Tennessee. It is such a fun weekend with lots of food and laughter. Some of my funniest memories are from those weekends. That morning on Saturday we got to Skype with them. And again it was very nice to see everyone and talk to them for a few minutes, but it was a reminder we are missing all that. 

An added bonus is we got to Skype my mom's family that night and see my great-grandparents, grandmother. It was nice to see them and hear their voices! 

And lastly today. We had our last Thanksgiving celebration. A big one to say the least. I got to meet new people, and eat yummy food once again. My mom made this amazing potato casserole. It was a very good meal! 

Thanksgiving has a whole new meaning to me. I have had a lot of things on my mind this week. It was a big week, first holiday overseas, and I got my ticket home. Which has made me really think about my family. I am so thankful for them. I have parents who love me very much, and who are a clear example in my life of giving everything up for HIM. I have two awesome brothers who just brighten up my life everyday. I can't imagine life without them. I love my family. As, we were going around the table telling things we were thankful for, I once again was reminded of how lucky am, and that I am really going to miss them. I can't imagine life without them there beside me.   

I am so excited to see the rest of my family and friends. I just wish I didn't have to leave my family. If I have no chance to visit them before they come back for a few months, it will be a total of 2 1/2 -3 1/2 years till I see them again. It hard to put that in reality. 

Now its time to list a few of the things i am thankful for.

I am thankful that I am here in Asia. Experiencing culture, and a new way of life with my family. 

I am so glad I have gotten to see the way they will be living, and what life is like. And be able to be with them for a few of the firsts. It's totally different here and now I can relate with them when we talk about the culture and stuff. 

I am also thankful for the rest of my family. They have been so supportive throughout everything. I love that we get to talk often and see their face. I love them all very much! 

I am also thankful for the friends I have. Here and there. I love talking to people back at home and telling them all my adventures, and I love hearing theirs as well. I am sooo thankful that HE has given me friends here! I have gotten to do a lot and have lots of fun here!

Once, again my family. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!!!! :) 

Lastly, I am thankful that HE has been there for me, and will always be there for me. I am so thankful for the gift HE gave, and for the unconditional love HE has for HIS children. I am also thankful that HE has let me see the world from a different angle. I now understand how important that gift is, and it shouldn't be taken lightly. 

So even though I have had some sadness here and there, at the end of the day, I AM BLESSED and VERY THANKFUL!!!

Friends...

I have always been very blessed my whole life with wonderful friends.
Friends that I can laugh all day with, ones that I can just call and cry to, and some that help me and encourage me in every way possible. And the thought of leaving them was dreadful. But almost 3 months ago I had to. Boy was it hard! And still VERY hard!
When we for sure planned that we were moving, to be honest I was very upset. I didn't want to leave the life I new for something I had no idea about. I didn't want to give up/or put on hold friendships that I have had my whole life. But whether I liked it or not that was the path my family was going down. The last few months I was in the states I really took every chance I could to spend a lot of time with my friends. Those were very precious moments that were so much fun and I will never forget.
Because of my age and where I am in my life I was very worried that I was not going to have friends.
The first few weeks here were very lonely, and to be honest I was getting angry. I thought if this is how its going to be I am going to be miserable this whole six months!
I think it was about the second or third day of school when a mother of a student introduced her son and her son's friend. They were funny and very nice to me and for once I felt like "Wow, I might actually fit in here!" That was the first time I had had a conversation with someone my age! It was great! I went home so happy!
That next week I started to volunteer at the school, and the teachers just included me right away! I was so happy! There are a group of teachers that are awesome and I just love hanging out with them!
One of the teachers there, Lauren, is the one that I have gotten to know the best! She has adopted me like her little sister! She is very funny, sweet, nice, and even though I am 4 years younger that doesn't matter she treats me just the same! I LOVE THAT!!! We hang out a few times a week and It is just so much fun! I am REALLY going to miss her!!!!!!
Because of volunteering at the school you get to know a lot of families very well. There is one family that I have gotten to know very well. They have two kids here, Abby and Jordan. Jordan is the same age as me and Abby is a year younger. They are both vey funny and a lot of fun! I can talk to both of them forever and they are just some pretty cool people! I am so happy I met Abby. We have so much in common and just have so much fun together. We call each other our long lost sisters!! :) I am going to miss that family VERY much!
There are a lot more people that I could say and talk about how much of a blessing they are but those are just a few!
I am so blessed and thankful. The time I have had here and will continue to have is precious and very valuable and I am so thankful I have wonderful friends here to share it with!
Thank you guys! You have helped make these months some of the the best months of my life! I will never forget you! I will miss you very much when I leave!
And Thank you friends back in Tennessee! You have helped me get through so much!=]
Once again, I am blessed! :D